I don't know if I will ever be ready to make this blog entry...but here goes.
It has already been more than a month since my Dad died. We are starting a new year, 2015, without him. A year of firsts...we have already had a Thanksgiving and a Christmas...Calvin and Jett's 5th birthday, the list is going to go on and on with important life events and moments happening, LIFE happening without my Dad. I was not prepared for the magnitude of emotion I would feel with this reality. Not being able to call him up, see his physical self, just have his presence and influence in my life. I am so proud of him and the life he led and I also have great mourning for his life that got cut short. I can't help but feel sorrow for the years that will go on, that he didn't get to share with us. Especially when I think about how my kids will grow up with just faint memories of their Grandpa. I love that David met ALL my grandparents. He knew me a little more because he knew them...we played darts with Grandma and Grandpa Droullard in Yuma, Arizona. Dave got to experience the last Poletti Family Olympics and he has a definite impression of my Grandpa Poletti's tallness and firm hand crushing hand shake. I am sorry that my kids will miss out on the presence of MY Dad in their life. He won't be there to help us find them their first car, or be the chauffeur in the 1950 Chevy at Piper's wedding, or take us all out on a boat during our next Lake Chelan trips.
I already miss my Dad so much, the raw emotional feelings of loss can overwhelm me when I let myself be in the moment and just feel the feelings flowing through me. It is hard, but at the same time, I don't look forward to time passing to let it feel easier. Isn't that what "they" say, that it gets easier with time. As hard as it is to feel these emotions of missing my Dad and having the tears flood and surge of hurting emotion fill my heart. I don't want to get numb to this emotion. This pain of loss feels so real and in a way I feel it keeps my Dad close in my heart.
I feel lucky that we had this past year with my Dad. I know some people die much more suddenly, but even though we had this year and one month(since his diagnosis), we were never going to be ready to say goodbye. I love the positive attitude and optimistic mind frame my Dad maintained throughout this fight with Lung Cancer. He believed he could be in the 5% of the population that get diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and beat it. This mentality is what got him to just over a year. I feel grateful that he did get to do many of the things he wanted to do while he had the chance. He went to Arizona, he got his cars in many car shows(AND won trophies!), he saw his friends rally around him to help, hang and just be there for him. We enjoyed one more family vacation to Lake Chelan and he did eventually make it down to Bend, to see with his own eyes, the business we created. And a big gift to my mom...he took care of cleaning out his garage in Ballard. He did his best to "cross the T's and dot the I's"...a saying he always liked to say.
Not surprisingly, my mom was a great caretaker. She stood by his side and took care of all the paperwork, meals and companionship. This was a tough year of uncertainty for her too, I just really appreciate all the day to day, moment to moment care she gave my Dad. She stayed close and strong every step of the way. Thank you mom for being there. And my sister and her family visiting him almost every weekend, going to the casino with him, just being there to spend time. I feel so full of love when I think of the support my Dad received over this year. My Uncle Paul stepped up to the plate and stopped smoking, I saw that as a silent, but very visible sign of support and love. His coffee club buddies came and picked him up to bring him to breakfast when he could no longer drive himself. All the friends and family who brought meals during the hardest of times. The Thursday night car auction "family" that showed their love and respect with a special tribute night dedicated to my Dad. The hours of work John and Steve put into helping to make all the details of perfecting his classic cars into perfection. My Dad was LOVED by many and will be missed greatly.
I am so glad the stars aligned to allow my Uncle Paul to pick me up from the airport, and drive me home. He got the chance to BE there, have his moment. Then I got the opportunity to sit with my Dad and hold his hand during those last hours. I feel overwhelmingly grateful that my Aunt Ann was there too. Her calming confidence I believe helped my Dad with a peaceful transition. I am happy that my Dad got to stay in his own home. Though I wasn't in the room when he took his absolute last breath, I believe he was still "there" when I came in and sat by his side. The intense and overwhelmingly noticeable warmness that filled my insides at that moment was profoundly HIM entering my heart to stay forever. I will never forget this moment and it fills me with peace and comfort.
Here is the link to the slideshow that Kevin and Lisa put hours into getting together, I tear up every time I watch it. This is a big file so I hope it works for you...
12:54
Here are a few photos from the slideshow:
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| King of Ballard - age 4 |
We had a beautiful Celebration of Life at Anthony's on Shilshole where close to 200 people came to honor and listen and share stories and memories of my Dad. There was lots of love and good energy in the room with floor to ceiling windows overlooking stormy puget sound waves. Many touching, funny, and great memories were shared...this is what I had to say:
In August, my dad and I were hanging out having one of our LIFE talks that we cherished so much. It came up that his brother Paul mentioned the idea of having a party while he was still well enough to enjoy it. I could tell he kind of considered it, the thought of surrounding himself with all the people he knew and loved. But then he said “No, I’m not ready to face the reality of having to say Goodbye.” Then he went on to say…”I was always so terrible about going to funerals…I mean….who is going to come to mine?” PAUSE….for effect! Are you kidding dad?! Look at this party! I know you are watching with a vodka and tonic in your hand and I hope your heart filled with love and peace from the sight of this filled to the brim and over flowing room.
My dad was a great person. I loved that he always knew someone where ever he went(the Oregon Coast, in a random coffee shop, Disneyland, in line for the Matterhorn ride, the county fair on Whidbey Island, the list could go on and on) and if he didn’t run into someone he knew, he made a new friend. He could talk to anyone and everyone loved him. You all are a testament to that. He will joke with you, he will help you, he will talk and talk and talk to you and he will be there.
My dad worked a lot while I was growing up, sometimes 7 days a week. But when there was something important, he was always there. He drove my sister and I and our friends to school for the car pool. Usually in a different car every time, sometimes a tow truck or fire engine showed up for the ride. He was at ALL my soccer and basketball games with my mom. He even showed up at the random far away tennis match on the south end of town in the middle of the work week. No other parents were there, but him. He drove us to tournaments in Eastern Washington, Eastern Oregon. He even flew with my HS basketball team to San Diego. All my coaches and teammates always loved him. That twinkle in his eyes, always ready to tease and have fun and just be there.
He was there for me and my passions AND he shared his passions with me. Going out on the boat is a highlight of my time with him. The San Juan Islands, when we saw the orcas and even the day trips out to Lake Union or Lake Washington. I went to my fair share of car shows as a kid, though I have to admit boating was more my style. He did usually buy me a chocolate milkshake at the car shows though, so that worked out fine.
I am so thankful for my dad’s positive, can do attitude. That belief he has embodied his whole life. It is what got him through this past year. This quality in him was a gift to me in forming who I am. I think I share this confidence and belief that life is good and has great possibility. When I decided to go off and sell books door to door, he was nervous for me, but more than that believed in me to be successful. He was there for me.
He was the one who dropped me off and picked me up at the airport from all my travels around the world. He was there for me.
When David and I bought our first house, he loaded us up with his old tools and his lawn mower and anything he had to help get us started. He was there for us. Though really he gave us his lawn mower because he didn’t want to mow his own lawn anymore…Thank you Ramon for taking on that responsibility.
When we needed a car, and I know I am not alone here…he helped us find what we needed. There were many cars over the years, but the stand outs to me were the VW wagon for when we got a dog…then a few years later he drove down the minivan just in time for the twins to be born. He was there for us.
And most recently when we were in the process of opening our own business, he loved to talk shop and hear about all the details and get updates and hear about the progress or the setbacks we were going through. He listened and gave advice and was visibly proud of what we were attempting. He was there for us.
And mom…you are the rock in this family. Thank you for putting up with Dad for 46 years in sickness and in health. Your personalities are so different, but your individual strengths made you a great team. He was so grateful that you were the kind of wife that let him be who he was. Your life together was a wild ride, but what do you expect from a boy who picked you up at a drive in movie theater all those years ago.
I have heard lots of stories over the years but this past year my dad told me this one that I hadn’t heard before:
One of the jobs he had back in 1966 was being a sales rep for a big hobby shop merchandise supplier. His parents had the hobby shop in Greenwood, after his experience working there my dad moved on to sell the merchandise to all the hobby shops in his territory of the Northwest. Well he drove a lot, which, as you know was no problem to him. One day, he had to go to California where the company was headquartered. He was driving his first new car that he bought in 1966, a yellow Chevy Malibu. He headed down I5 and by time he was in Centralia “the open road” he was going…I think he said, 150 miles an hour. Well he didn’t know it but a cop saw him go by and started after him. It wasn’t until my dad saw a Semi-truck in his lane, way up ahead …and as he was switching lanes to go around it…in seconds he had caught up to it and narrowly missed clipping the side of the truck as he got in the other lane. That scared him, and then he slowed down. Well don’t forget that police officer who saw the yellow blur fly through Centralia, he had the ride of his life trying to catch up to my dad and just before the Oregon boarder he did and my dad pulled over. The police officer got out of his car screaming about how he could have killed somebody and what a danger and reckless driver he was. My dad stayed calm and apologized and as they were talking the officer noticed this hobby shop toy, a really expensive, top of the line remote control airplane or car or helicopter, I’m not sure which. And he starts grilling my dad about where he got that and did he steal it…my dad was able to explain that he was a rep for the company in California and that was where he was headed. Then he said “Do you want to pull it out and look at it?” So the officer does and is just drooling over this coveted toy. The officer says to my dad, “I’d give my left BLEEP for this thing.” And right then, my dad pulls out the clutch and slowly… rolls… away in the Chevy. Leaving the officer standing there with the toy in his arms.
I love that story.
Dad, you have great stories. I am going to miss you so much. You have always been there for me and now you are HERE in my heart forever.
